Anniversary ⋆ Fabienne S. Morgana

Photo collage for my first day back at work last year – it’s hard to explain what a milestone that was. There were times when I doubted I would get there!

Today is the anniversary of when I returned to work last year.

I definitely had hoped that my capacity would be much improved by now, but the hip replacement kind of pushed those goals out a bit.

Hopefully, it’s just longer time frames, I’m still aiming for the same things, and my Wellness team have all said they think it’s possible.

I’m still dealing with high fatigue, but the pain levels are so much better than what they were. I was pretty much bed bound for two months prior to surgery.

It’s interesting the anniversaries that have stood out for me this year.

The first anniversary of returning to work.

The second anniversary of when I started chemotherapy.

The second anniversary of when I lost two-thirds to three-forths of my hair in one moment (which was the day before my second chemotherapy infusion).

I’m so grateful that I was able to get the hip replacement done in May – the idea of it dragging out, being so incapacitated, and in constant pain, on top of the memories of surgery, recovery, and then chemo and how sick I was during and after that – even considering it makes me feel a bit panicked and anxious.

There’s still some healing to be done mentally and physically.

And that’s okay.

There’s a massive grief piece around diminished capacity that I am still processing, some days better than others, and sometimes it’s triggered and overwhelms me.

And that too is okay.

It’s important to acknowledge the full spectrum of emotions to fully process and integrate them.

I’m happy to be back at work full-time in a role I love.

I’m grateful that a friend lent me the money so I could get into pretty much the first available spot my specialist had.

I’m frustrated with my fatigue.

I’m relieved not to be in so much pain.

I’m still mourning all the parts of me that were lost or died with the experience of cancer. I didn’t really have anxiety or panic attacks before cancer. Hypervigilence around my health wasn’t a thing for me. I never had to consider accessibility for myself. There wasn’t a part of me that thought, “but what if it’s cancer again” at every new or sustained ache and/or pain.

It’s better, and apparently, it continues to get better – and I’m looking forward to it with an active curiosity around what life after cancer really looks like for me.

I think I am currently where I thought I was this time last year.

Wish me luck!

19th August 2021: Anniversary of Starting Chemo

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